I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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