Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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