i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
