i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hippo gnu deer
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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