I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
