my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
