You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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