I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
