too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
