Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
