Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Bring me that man meat
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
