Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
