I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
