i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
