First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
