Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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