The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
