Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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