When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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