Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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