Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
