My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
