AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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