I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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