I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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