The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
