I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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