maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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