quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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