Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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