sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize