wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
