went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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