he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
