remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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