all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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