between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
