i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
