My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
