I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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