what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize