i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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