i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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