Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
