take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
