just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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