I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Are we still banned from the library?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
