He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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