So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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