Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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