Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
