why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
