do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I looked at my own cervix.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
