i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
