she woke up with a sticky ear
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How does one acquire holy water?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
