i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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