that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
