He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
